Posted in Chronicles, crush, Dear Diary, discover WordPress, discovery, love

Sweet creature😍

Take my hand, let’s take a walk. I know it’s 2 in the morning but I want to tell you my deepest darkest secrets😋. I want to show you my untamed thoughts. Give you an insight of the depths of my soul. Will you come with me? Will you listen and hold me close when I cry? Will you come with me?😚

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Mine is a complex mind, someone once told me it’s my prison. I think of long nights, slow walks and candid conversation. I yearn for a hand to hold, a heart that’s open and a mind, a mind like mine. Free to think without letting the reins of the world hold them back.😎

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I love hot chocolate on rainy nights, long hugs and slower songs. I listen to songs that suit my moods. My moods, well they are as many as the hairs on my head. My love is genuine and I’ll go a mile for the ones I love.💕

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Sweet creature, I enjoy the night, it calms my nerves. The full moon makes me dance and gives me an ecstatic high. I love kids well until they are 6 years old😅, past that they become a bit too much to handle. I don’t like coffee cause it makes my tummy turn.

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I love reading, my biggest fictional crush is Shane Mackade and he stole my heart without trying. I love singing; my first inspiration was Whitney Houston and Celine Dion. I’m a helpless, hapless romantic human being. I fall easy for sappy romance and I shed a tear or two when watching or reading emotional scenes.😢

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I want to tell you why the night feels like freedom. I want you to know why I’m scared of the rain. I want to pour my heart out. Just let me hold you like a hostage. Tell you why the noose around my neck is a necklace I wear with pride.

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I want us to laugh at my antics as I dance 💃 in front of the mirror😅. I want to feel the little things that make my heart go boom! I want to race into the evening sunset at the beach. I want to bungee jump and cry as I scream how stupid the idea was. I want to…

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Dear me, I’m rambling! Pardon my mouth I’m a little excited and I get carried away.

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Oh well! Happy 2019 people.💓

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Posted in Afrika, Chronicles, crush, Dark thoughts, Dear Diary, depression, discover WordPress, discovery, Family, friends, love, mental health, Poetry, Random, sadness, Uncategorized

PANDEMONIUM

I probably should buy those huge teddy bears preferably white or brown in color with lots of soft fur. Why do I need that? Simply for company especially when the days and nights seem like they stretch for miles without end. Maybe it’s the single life but that is the least of my worries. Mr. Right can be thrown in the attic until whenever but right now I have bigger fish to fry.

My mind is screaming at me and my heart, well my heart is just beating as it should but it feels dead. There’s no life and the simplest tasks feel like torture. Breathing feels like a punishment and the sound or even smell of happiness is intoxicating. I want to remain in this shell till kingdom come because I believe in life after death though sometimes the thought that I have to endure another day is really not welcoming.

I’m in my safe haven, music blasting through my earphones ignoring everyone and everything. Billie Eilish, Sam Smith, Adele, James Arthur and a couple of my lifesavers are playing on repeat. (Hey Red thanks for the playlists) They are my lifesavers because their music calms my nerves and averts my mind from thinking of things that will drive me to the edge.

Take me to the edge all my friends… they aren’t gone I push them away because nothing makes sense now. I want to quit school, stop feeling and living. Maybe it’s all getting to my head but it’s not the case. I want to stay in my bed binge watch movie after another, read novels and laugh cry just stop the war in my head.

If trash looked like a human it would be me. If sunshine was a person it would be me. Love, beauty, freedom, joy, sadness and all those emotions in between play a rock ballad sending me to spasmic attacks. Picture perfect, smile with all your teeth out (you look like a walrus maybe a warthog but that’s just my opinion) be happy. They keep whispering in my ear, I keep doing what they want I’ve forgotten how to be me.

“Meet my friends, person A, B, C, D, E…” The list is endless, my tongue is stuck in my throat and words fail to form it’s just a bundle of gibberish. My palms are sweaty and my armpits are swimming in perspiration. It feels like I ran a marathon but I barely moved 10 steps. I hate crowds and they hate me back. Embarrassment lurks in the corner ready to engulf me in a massive hug just because it can.

Today feels like I’m spitting rainbows and candy from my mouth. I’m in sync with the beauty of life, living and adventure. I call up my best friend, my twin and everyone who cares. We laugh and they comment on how bubbly I am. It feels amazing to be alive and happy. I feel loved, adored and appreciated considering it’s not even my birthday. Everything is riding on a wave of euphoric highness.

The day after, I’m angry at the world and I just want to hibernate. I don’t want to be called, my vulnerability is at its peak. Every little word said my way breaks me apart or builds me up. Each step is forced I just want to be gone. Gone for good faded in the memories of yester nights. I feel like a burden and I don’t want to talk about it because you won’t understand. I’m not seeking attention I cringe away from it. I’m a ticking time bomb at this point and darkness feels like home.

Quick to judge but slow to act until it’s too late. Check on your friends, the strong ones, the quiet ones, the busy ones and the selfless ones. Check on everyone, we are fighting battles each day some small others so big we need an army.

When my depraved thoughts come alive, I crave for long hugs. I don’t need to talk just one person to be there. Presence, all I need is presence when pandemonium in my head gets too loud.

Posted in Afrika, Chronicles, crush, Dark thoughts, Dear Diary, depression, discover WordPress, discovery, Family, friends, love, mental health, Poetry, Random, sadness, Uncategorized

BOO’D UP

Guess who finally quit the single’s club? 💃 Passing on the baton to the next in line and hello taken fraternity😋.

Breathe! Well I really can’t even if I try. We have quit the singles’ club for good, me, myself and I are taken😊. It feels unreal, please wake me up this seems like a dream😩💕. My people know I swore to remain single, get old with 70 multi colored beady-eyed cats to call my own but fate the ever-present fate had other plans for me.😎

He’s tall with an aura that is engulfing😍, he literally swallows everyone in a room. His eyes are like a vast ocean of wonders, intriguing and mysterious. His laugh vibrates across the hallway and sends shivers down my spine👫. His touch is warm and comforting, a well of peace and solace. His name tastes like freshly plucked grapes, I call him for keeps.💑

It’s interesting how we met, I laugh each time I remember the incident.😹 I hate crowds, they accelerate my anxiety and trigger so much in a short time. I was running away from people, taking long routes to stay away from them. My routes are deserted and I use that to my advantage, earphones on and I dance💃 like the cliché I am. He saw me, he laughed, I was shocked and I sprinted away dying in embarrassment.🙈

I did not even register his face when I ran past him all the way to my room. Breathless, embarrassed and blushing, I got into bed and laughed😸😂 till my sides hurt. How dumb can I get? I forgot the incident and life moved on but I avoided that route like a plague until circumstances drove me there and I’m so glad they did because that’s where my story began…😘

This time I kept my wild antics to myself and tried to be normal but my brain was twitching I had a new blog developing and I had to write it down. The ideas in my head drive me insane if I don’t pen them down in time.😁 I was busy typing; the path was deserted and chances of bumping into any one was low but I hit a solid brick wall and landed on my well-rounded bum. Someone was helping me up, ‘The path is right in front of you, keep walking straight I’m sure you won’t hit another wall’

Embarrassed, angry, flustered and feeling so many emotions at once😓, I was a mess. I was scrutinized thoroughly until I felt self-conscious, then he laughed and the memories of that dancing catastrophe came back. IT WAS HIM!!! Please earth swallow😩 me now. He apologized for his behavior but I was on the verge of tears😣, he offered to get me anything to ease the discomfort. I walked away and the stubborn humanoid followed me, I gave in so easily that I mentally face-palmed myself. Over hot chocolate we became casual friends, a series of meet ups followed and something changed along the way.😌

The conversations were enlightening, deep and made no sense. We had a canvas and it was vividly captured in an array of colors. We painted and doodled and wrote poems on it. We had zinged! There were places we got curious stares because we’d laugh so loud until I snorted. He brings out the best in me and I take him to the wilderness of my head👻. I never knew it would feel this good falling this hard.💞

I hope we last till we are old and toothless
Laughing at things we only understand
Holding hands as we watch the sun set
Breathing in the wet soil
Counting the stars till we fall asleep
Living the novel kind of love
Arguing and later falling back in love

It’s been a long time coming and finally I’ve met my match😊.

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To be honest that’s one of my fantasies, my greatest prayer and constant wish but it’s not being fulfilled any time soon. I’m not being a pessimist but in today’s society it’s a bit hard to find ‘the right one ‘.🙏

Relationships in the 21st century feel rushed but everyone has their choice drug and they revel in its ‘highness’. I envied couples especially those who had a mutual level of understanding and trust, basic and key things lacking in most relationships especially in my generation. I’ve never understood how easily people jump from one relationship to another without much effort. The idea of starting from scratch is quite tasking for me and I’d rather not risk meeting another Destroyer.🙆

I don’t have a guide for Dating 101 or Relationships Central but honestly, we are messed up, relationships are so casual and are based on sexual intimacy rather than love, faith, trust and friendship. The idea of being single is scary to some and they’d prefer hooking up with just about anyone to evade this single title. Then there are the singles’ club ruining relationships just because they can, what a shame! Not all apples are rotten, there is hope for this dying relationship.👌

Couples who are goals, building each other and being faithful.👏 The idea that the male species were not made to be monogamous is far-fetched and ticks my bombs off. The female species has evolved too, juggling men like they are the main attraction in a circus. I’m encouraged when there’s a couple sticking together in thee highs and lows, I’m reminded there’s hope.💛

If you found someone, keep them disagree to agree. Meet each other in the middle ,keep your promises and work out your mess together. Fight and build each other, respect and do all that is right for each other. There are so many broken people right now, quit adding more statics.

#thetalesofthetwistedempressreturns

Posted in Afrika, Chronicles, crush, Dark thoughts, Dear Diary, depression, discover WordPress, discovery, Family, friends, love, mental health, Poetry, Random, sadness, Uncategorized, Valentines

GOODBYES AREN’T EASY

I’ve been writing so many letters,to my crush,to my kids, myself and anyone else that felt like I needed to express myself too. There’s so much on my mind and sometimes writing is not enough well because some feelings are better expressed in action not colored words or a dozen emojis. It’s so hard trying sometimes to express myself because I’m not sure if I’m making any sense or I’m just another lonely girl writing away to fill the silence in her world.

Sometimes I wish I could actually channel my mind as it is to words so maybe you’d see exactly as I see it but I can’t. Roses are red but there’s someone who hates red. I admit that I’m carried away sometimes and I just let my imagination take over. That girl in the corner reading a novel, living a life in her head that might never come true but keeping hope alive.

Singing along to songs that build a smile on her face,hoping one day, maybe just one day she could actually not be so shy anymore. That she could stand in front of others confidently in her shaky voice sing along without feeling like she’s being condemned to death. Maybe one day having a best seller on New York Times,maybe being a star so bright like the ones she stares up late at night watching.

Goodbyes are hard because I’m trying to say goodbye,not the goodbye of see you in another life but a goodbye that I might not be back blogging for a while. It’s not a re-brand more like a time of wandering and wondering if this is what I want. I’m not trying to find myself well because I’m too far gone to retrace my steps. I hope you miss me. It’s petty but I’ll miss you for real.😢

I won’t forget the ones who never left,who read everything even the boring ones, the crazy ones and the weird ones. The ones who encouraged me and were my inspiration. The ones who had to endure the madness when it came to the writing rush. I really get jumpy when I have an awesome story and I talk and dance a lot. Did I tell you I dance? Well I dance and sing and write and read and sleep and watch movies a lot. I really love dancing and singing and I hope that one day I’ll get to do everything I love.

So dear crush, I’ll still think of you in the night and hope you get to know the little things that make me happy. I’ll keep your memories in the page of my diary.Dear babies of mine,I’ll pray for you and wait patiently till I can hold you in my arms ,give you all my love and affection. Dear darkness, I’ll keep fighting and moving up till the only thing around me is a halo so bright you’ll cower. Dear Mr Man, I hope you find your peace and fulfillment in the word. Whoever, if you didn’t listen I’m gone now but you can still look for me. Crevices, you didn’t leave your lover for me but boobae, I got new rules. And you aren’t on my new schedule anymore.

Adios!! Until when the sun shines on my face and the words in my head don’t let me slip into slumber.

💗

twisted empress

Posted in Afrika, Chronicles, crush, Dark thoughts, Dear Diary, depression, discover WordPress, discovery, Family, friends, love, mental health, Poetry, Random, sadness, Uncategorized, Valentines

Pills and Potions🌞

I’m in bed again, the fourth or fifth day in a row. I’m no longer sure, I’m hiding from the world because I’m scared thoughtless and all the lesses you could think of. It’s so bad 😢.

My eyes are droopy and weigh a tonne now. Maybe I think I’ve lost my sight somewhere between the 10th maybe 15th movie that has kept me in bed this long. 😁

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t smell like a dumpster. Mama raised a lady😇 so I’ve been having bathroom breaks and showers and the occasional snacks. 😅

The life of an introverted girl with anxiety and a great fear of crowds😅😅. See my life 😁😂.

I’ve been trying to write and it’s like climbing Everest and for a lazy bum like me that’s a torturous task. 😭 I wanted to write about my struggles with self acceptance and esteem issues because I know it’s there and it happens.

There was a time i couldn’t look in a mirror because I literally cried. I had this ashy skin with an army of acne advancing too fast for my skin batallion to slay it down. 😪

I thought that it’ll never end and trust me I tried all natural therapies. Lemon masks and facial scrubs, aloevera, egg white and even flour 😂😂. It took a while to accept that I was not that off😁.

I was uncomfortable in shorts, dresses or skirts that were above the knee because well i had this bouncy meat …a.k.a the calves or gastrocnemius and soleus muscle😎. I found it really disturbing that everyone around me had firm muscles while here I was with wiggly jiggly calves😂.

Then came the forehead😁, looking like it bears all the wisdom of Solomon and Methuselah. I hated it😑 I was so uncomfortable especially when my friends teased me about it but hey, the bigger the forehead the bigger the memory cache😊😂.Cheers to the forehead gang 🔥.

I remember there was a time I looked like chopsticks so thin that I would have easily auditioned and passed for a *save the children campaign poster child*. Blame it on school and workload and my really bad eating habits. 😣

Then puberty came calling😈 or more like it barged in and voila, the fat came and became an unwanted resident. It was here to stay and well we developed some understanding and lived in harmony. 😇

Years down the line, I can proudly look in the mirror and smile. The mirror is bae now💕. The occasional breakout is there but it’s not a cause of worry because I believe it doesn’t really make a difference 😊.

I’m beautiful in and out, day or night, rain or sunshine. Dawn breaks, light pierces the darkness and well our bodies will listen to us if we listen to them. Besides give it time and everything will fall into place beautiful.

Love yourself and everyone can come in later. Embrace your flaws and perfection. Harmonise yourself with you and the magic will just come alive😌. Baby you’re a masterpiece and they can’t pull you down💙.

Beyoutiful love 💋.

Posted in Afrika, Chronicles, crush, Dark thoughts, depression, discover WordPress, discovery, Family, friends, love, mental health, Poetry, Random, sadness, Uncategorized, Valentines

ME ME🌼

Hey 25 year old me,

You are staring at the mirror again hoping for a thinner waist, bigger hips that after sometime you just want them to disappear. You are counting the number of pimples that have invaded your face stretching out from the Horn of Africa to the Arctic ocean. You hate that crooked tooth rearing its ugly self every time you smile.

I know how you wish you could mold yourself to the perfection you think you need. It’s a struggle I know too well. Eating because someone said you look like those orphans in Africa (which is so untrue),starving because another said you cannot fit through a door. You’re still at the mirror finding fault with everything,the frizzy hair,the small lips and even smaller nose. Why me?


Sometimes you pray you had a stack of money somewhere, go under the knife and plasticize yourself. Plastics last forever, is not that the case? You want beauty that doesn’t fade away.
Hey, I know how it feels to wake up in the morning with eyes that are swollen from the salty rivers of last night’s tears. I know the fear of being inadequate, far from perfect and an outcast.
The stares, hushed whispers that carpet the ground before you and guard your back faithfully. Contorted half truths and blatant lies peddled by strangers just because they see you as they please.


Hey, I know loss, losing the ones you gave your all too just because they moved up the social hierarchy. Those who leave because they no longer have use for you, like tissue paper down the drain.
How could I forgotten, the forehead that looks like the perfect canvas for a detailed world map. You hate it,don’t you? The sneer tells it all. The memes an the jokes don’t help your case at all.
Hush now, close your eyes. Take a deep breath and slowly exhale. GIGO. Look in the mirror, that’s a beautiful girl staring back at you. Created, molded and crafted in the most intrinsic and mind blowing ways. You’re beauty deserves accolades and ballads that will forever be sang.
I wish you could embrace the flaws and imperfections that make you human. Set your own bars according to the heights you could reach. You are loved,cherished and adored. I hope you find peace,joy and contentment.


You are beautiful, gorgeous and all you can ever be. Love yourself the flesh and fat, the muscle and bone. Hey, you deserve the whole world and much more💕.

Regards,

19 year old you.

Posted in Afrika, Chronicles, crush, Dark thoughts, depression, discover WordPress, discovery, Family, friends, love, mental health, Poetry, Random, sadness, Uncategorized, Valentines

Mine💕

Describe yourself in three words. Cool, calm and collected. Those are the words likely to be expected since I appear to be.

😂😂😂😂😂

Joke of the century. If you know my personality in and out you’ll know I’m far from being any of those adjectives.

Anyway…

Today I’m going to write about friends ,actually one friend in particular. The friend who knows the innings and “outings” of my life.😂😂

My best friend and no it’s not the one you are thinking of. Stuff happened and hither thither forget about that😇.

My best friend is my idiot💓. Pretty much an ⚓ anchor. He changed my life. That feeling you thought you had everything but well it really wasn’t. Sometimes bad things happen so good comes your way.

Not that anything bad happened just that I’ve been a loner of sorts and finding someone okay with my madness is well so overwhelming 😭.

He, yes he ,and I know people say ‘you can’t keep a chicken for a pet you’ll eat it’ but it doesn’t work that way. Its just an excuse some use to hit on their female friends 😏.

As I was saying😊, he has been my therapist by force 😆. I can be quite the handful especially if the loose nuts in my head decide well it’s time we got the party started 🎊.

I’ve had friends and *friends*. The ones who are there through the good and the bad and the ones who stick around when the storm has passed.

My idiot 😀, because he can go quite dumb, is just an amazing person. A gift I can’t really explain because words fail. Those people who become a beacon of hope that humanity still exists. 💞

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had good friends and we still are friends. They mean a lot to me but there’s always a favorite just like there will always be a favorite 👟 shoe or watch. I hope you get the picture 😊.

My idiot has been annoying, loving, caring and I could describe so much but the picture would be blurry. I’d hate to leave gaping holes in the story. 😂

How we started speaking, I randomly texted on his birthday and the rest is history. Our madness was in sync, the intelligence and what keeps us going is the stupidity. 😂😂

We should be 🔒locked up in a mental 🏥 hospital but they’ll just throw us out in a few. Phone calls that last for hours and not forgetting the voice notes that are just out of this universe. It gets so bad that at times my roommates literally throw me out because I’m making too much noise.😁😅

Sometimes if I had a 🔫 I’d shoot him and vice versa because we are just like that 😄. Getting under each others skin and still managing to hold an almost civil conversation. I thought that such Friendship existed only in the novels I read on repeat.

I’m lucky I got to meet my soul mate in the form of my best closest idiot of mine. 😍

Psst.. It’s the tales of the twisted empress.