Posted in Chronicles, crush, Dear Diary, depression, friends, love, mental health, Poetry, Random

SPIDER WEB

Hey, scratch that, I have no strength to write again. This is why I was afraid to fall because you would not pick me up. I got lost in a maze of my own doing, I actually thought that you would be different.

I religiously check my phone each day, going through all the social apps hoping to see your name pop up.

I never intended for this to happen, if I could, I’d close off my heart never to feel again. I ask for too much, isn’t it?

The distance, do you feel it too or am I just being clingy? Never mind, you know I… It’s not even that important, maybe I am just being a burden. It is not a new feeling, I always feel like I am just being trouble to everyone else. You were kind enough to stay but you got tired just like everyone else and left.

Maybe it’s life’s subtle way of saying I am not cut out for this things. This thing that leaves me feeling all kind of zoo animals and sick to the core. I am trying to act nonchalant but I am breaking out in hives deep inside. Life should probably come with a manual cause this far I think I put the engine in the gear box and the oil in the water valve.

I am calling out your name in my sleep,repeating it like a mantra soothing like Sinatra. Yearning for just a little explanation,tell me I am not enough and I’ll accept it. I need the truth,I am but a fly in your web. Kill me or let me live.

#talesofthetwistedempress

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Posted in Chronicles, crush, discover WordPress, discovery, Family, love, Random

LILAC

Where’s my mind? Where’s my mind? Where’s my mind? Maybe it’s in the gutters, where I left my lover. What an expensive fate! My V is for vendetta, I thought that I’ll feel better but now I got a bellyache.

Billie Eilish-Bellyache

Lilac, that was her name, like the fragrance that wafted through the summer air. Her presence captivating, graceful like the swans sang about in the 12 days of Christmas 🎄.

Sweet and fragile like antique china, molded to perfection,a perfection so brilliant you had to turn the lights off cause it blinded🔥.

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Her voice soothed and healed souls bringing them to eternal salvation or damnation. A personality that swept everyone over even the hardest of souls. 😍

She was fire and ice,a raging storm and a calming breeze. Her hair was a thick African mane and her smile melted the coldest of hearts.

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I’m crazy for you,Lord knows what I’d do ,I’d even die for you,Whatever you need
I’m down on my knees I guess that means…

stupid love- Jason Derulo

She had me wrapped around her little finger,her wish was my command. Her kisses were my undoing. She had cast a spell on me and I was hers to control.

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Without her I was a lost puppy,I craved her every second and I became still only when I dived into her ocean eyes.

When you move ,I’m put to mind of all that I wanna be
When you move ,I could never define all that you are to me

Movement-Hozier

I wrote ballads for her. We played the drums and danced on the cobbled streets. She was my ecstacy and I was her fairy tale prince. We were happy we were living the dream.

She loved roses and midnight tea. I remember our silly laughs and stupid arguments. She wanted Jupiter and I chose Uranus.

I loved football whereas she cheered for motorsports. Engines and speed fed her adrenaline. Behind the wheel,she was a daredevil and I’d say a prayer whenever she raced down the winding  roads.

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Her enthusiasm pulled me out of many dark nights and sad moments.

Sweet creature, sweet creature. Wherever I go, you bring me home
Sweet creature, sweet creature. When I run out of road, you bring me home

Sweet Creature- Harry Styles

The call,that call froze me in time. She was fighting for her life and mine was spiralling away. I could never make it without her.

I feared her love would be her downfall. Men don’t cry,I wailed and soaked my pillow every night.

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She was my soulmate and the love of my life. Life had lost it’s meaning in a way that all the color was drained away.

There must be something in the water ,’Cause everyday it’s getting colder
And if only I could hold you, You’d keep my head from going under

Bruises-Lewis Capaldi

Months dragged along,each day I sank further. They didn’t let me see her. I could only take a peek and move along.

They moved her away. They sent me a telegram,”She is gone”. I died that day,my world crumbled so fast.

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Everything was spinning and I fell into a peaceful darkness. I was numb,inside and out. A zombie,alive but empty.

What’s my hand without your heart to hold?
I don’t know what I’m living for
If I’m living without you

Tell me you love me- Demi Lovato

I am a nervous mess,there’s a boiling pot in my chest. I really can’t breathe. I can see her,that smile I’ve always loved. Everyone is in position,here goes nothing.

“Lil, I lost you once and I am not ready to lose you twice. You complete the puzzle of my life. In you I find a reason to exist,before these humans who have loved us and been there through it all, will you marry me?”

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She said yes,I was over the moon. We popped champagne and danced till early morning. At last she was mine,mine for eternity.

And i know heaven has blessed me with you
You are my miracle, so precious and true
And i know heaven is missing an angel or two
Because God’s greatest gift to me is you

God’s Greatest Gifts –Chris Willis and Kelli Williams
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Posted in Chronicles, discover WordPress, discovery

FEELS AND CHILL

In a journey of two,
Let me be the one,
The one that completes the sum.
A journey of deep seas,
I’ll be the anchor ⚓,
I’ll hold you down.
Through thick bush and buzzing insects,
Let me be the repellent ,
Keep you itch free,
Just let me be.

photography of couple holding hands
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So Valentine’s is here yet again. The memes , the offers, the dates 👫and let’s not forget people like me,the single netflix and junk gang😢😄. The vibes and the lines that will be overused, the cheesy ones💑 and the stomach melting elephant stomping declarations of love.😂

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The happy couples💑 who are still so in love, the freshly broken hearts still recovering and the hearts that believe their soulmates are probably dead. I believe in love ❤and all it stands for but I refuse to be hyped by a single day (unless it’s my birthday). Well I wouldn’t mind chocolate 💖on this day but I’d love it on any other day.

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Same way I’d celebrate love on 14th February and on 30th September too. I mean love should be an every day affair. Love today,love tomorrow and love every minute. Don’t get me wrong👀, Valentine’s is a greaat 😅day. A day to be cheesy and overly romantic without being judged for it. Love is in the air,the reason for the season.😍

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My netflix and junk 🍕🍟🍔gang, love yourself and cheers🐾🍸 to us. Let us not throw shade on our taken friends when they dress 👗 in matching red and serenade their loves with chocolate and roses 🌹(which look better on a plant by the way). Let love and let joy.

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Happy Valentine’s my loves!

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Cheers to the happy couples and the single hearts too.

I love you all.

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Posted in Afrika, Chronicles, crush, Dark thoughts, Dear Diary, depression, discover WordPress, discovery, Family, friends, love, mental health, Poetry, Random

UGLY

I want to be ugly,

Look from the sidelines,

Love in the dark,

I want to be ugly.

 

I want to be ugly,

If it means I’ll be free,

Free to be me,

I want to be ugly.

 

I want to be ugly,

Not care about what they say,

Be at peace with the world,

I want to be ugly.

 

I want to be ugly,

The world has set so many bars,

Bars too high for me to reach,

I want to be ugly.

 

I want to be ugly,

True to my beliefs and faith,

Because beauty comes with preset responsibilities,

I want to be ugly.

 

I want to be ugly,

They don’t believe beauty can be smart,

They made us hate beauty,

I want to be ugly.

 

I want to be ugly,

Keep my erratic heart at steady beat,

Keep my mind afloat in the murky waters,

I want to be ugly.

 

I want to be ugly,

If it will preserve my dignity,

If it will save my life,

I want to be ugly.

 

@twisted empress

2019.

Posted in Chronicles, crush, Dear Diary, discover WordPress, discovery, love

Sweet creature😍

Take my hand, let’s take a walk. I know it’s 2 in the morning but I want to tell you my deepest darkest secrets😋. I want to show you my untamed thoughts. Give you an insight of the depths of my soul. Will you come with me? Will you listen and hold me close when I cry? Will you come with me?😚

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Mine is a complex mind, someone once told me it’s my prison. I think of long nights, slow walks and candid conversation. I yearn for a hand to hold, a heart that’s open and a mind, a mind like mine. Free to think without letting the reins of the world hold them back.😎

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I love hot chocolate on rainy nights, long hugs and slower songs. I listen to songs that suit my moods. My moods, well they are as many as the hairs on my head. My love is genuine and I’ll go a mile for the ones I love.💕

advent bake blur break
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Sweet creature, I enjoy the night, it calms my nerves. The full moon makes me dance and gives me an ecstatic high. I love kids well until they are 6 years old😅, past that they become a bit too much to handle. I don’t like coffee cause it makes my tummy turn.

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I love reading, my biggest fictional crush is Shane Mackade and he stole my heart without trying. I love singing; my first inspiration was Whitney Houston and Celine Dion. I’m a helpless, hapless romantic human being. I fall easy for sappy romance and I shed a tear or two when watching or reading emotional scenes.😢

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I want to tell you why the night feels like freedom. I want you to know why I’m scared of the rain. I want to pour my heart out. Just let me hold you like a hostage. Tell you why the noose around my neck is a necklace I wear with pride.

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I want us to laugh at my antics as I dance 💃 in front of the mirror😅. I want to feel the little things that make my heart go boom! I want to race into the evening sunset at the beach. I want to bungee jump and cry as I scream how stupid the idea was. I want to…

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Dear me, I’m rambling! Pardon my mouth I’m a little excited and I get carried away.

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Oh well! Happy 2019 people.💓

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Posted in Afrika, Chronicles, crush, Dark thoughts, Dear Diary, depression, discover WordPress, discovery, Family, friends, love, mental health, Poetry, Random, sadness, Uncategorized

PANDEMONIUM

I probably should buy those huge teddy bears preferably white or brown in color with lots of soft fur. Why do I need that? Simply for company especially when the days and nights seem like they stretch for miles without end. Maybe it’s the single life but that is the least of my worries. Mr. Right can be thrown in the attic until whenever but right now I have bigger fish to fry.

My mind is screaming at me and my heart, well my heart is just beating as it should but it feels dead. There’s no life and the simplest tasks feel like torture. Breathing feels like a punishment and the sound or even smell of happiness is intoxicating. I want to remain in this shell till kingdom come because I believe in life after death though sometimes the thought that I have to endure another day is really not welcoming.

I’m in my safe haven, music blasting through my earphones ignoring everyone and everything. Billie Eilish, Sam Smith, Adele, James Arthur and a couple of my lifesavers are playing on repeat. (Hey Red thanks for the playlists) They are my lifesavers because their music calms my nerves and averts my mind from thinking of things that will drive me to the edge.

Take me to the edge all my friends… they aren’t gone I push them away because nothing makes sense now. I want to quit school, stop feeling and living. Maybe it’s all getting to my head but it’s not the case. I want to stay in my bed binge watch movie after another, read novels and laugh cry just stop the war in my head.

If trash looked like a human it would be me. If sunshine was a person it would be me. Love, beauty, freedom, joy, sadness and all those emotions in between play a rock ballad sending me to spasmic attacks. Picture perfect, smile with all your teeth out (you look like a walrus maybe a warthog but that’s just my opinion) be happy. They keep whispering in my ear, I keep doing what they want I’ve forgotten how to be me.

“Meet my friends, person A, B, C, D, E…” The list is endless, my tongue is stuck in my throat and words fail to form it’s just a bundle of gibberish. My palms are sweaty and my armpits are swimming in perspiration. It feels like I ran a marathon but I barely moved 10 steps. I hate crowds and they hate me back. Embarrassment lurks in the corner ready to engulf me in a massive hug just because it can.

Today feels like I’m spitting rainbows and candy from my mouth. I’m in sync with the beauty of life, living and adventure. I call up my best friend, my twin and everyone who cares. We laugh and they comment on how bubbly I am. It feels amazing to be alive and happy. I feel loved, adored and appreciated considering it’s not even my birthday. Everything is riding on a wave of euphoric highness.

The day after, I’m angry at the world and I just want to hibernate. I don’t want to be called, my vulnerability is at its peak. Every little word said my way breaks me apart or builds me up. Each step is forced I just want to be gone. Gone for good faded in the memories of yester nights. I feel like a burden and I don’t want to talk about it because you won’t understand. I’m not seeking attention I cringe away from it. I’m a ticking time bomb at this point and darkness feels like home.

Quick to judge but slow to act until it’s too late. Check on your friends, the strong ones, the quiet ones, the busy ones and the selfless ones. Check on everyone, we are fighting battles each day some small others so big we need an army.

When my depraved thoughts come alive, I crave for long hugs. I don’t need to talk just one person to be there. Presence, all I need is presence when pandemonium in my head gets too loud.

Posted in Afrika, Chronicles, crush, Dark thoughts, Dear Diary, depression, discover WordPress, discovery, Family, friends, love, mental health, Poetry, Random, sadness, Uncategorized

BOO’D UP

Guess who finally quit the single’s club? 💃 Passing on the baton to the next in line and hello taken fraternity😋.

Breathe! Well I really can’t even if I try. We have quit the singles’ club for good, me, myself and I are taken😊. It feels unreal, please wake me up this seems like a dream😩💕. My people know I swore to remain single, get old with 70 multi colored beady-eyed cats to call my own but fate the ever-present fate had other plans for me.😎

He’s tall with an aura that is engulfing😍, he literally swallows everyone in a room. His eyes are like a vast ocean of wonders, intriguing and mysterious. His laugh vibrates across the hallway and sends shivers down my spine👫. His touch is warm and comforting, a well of peace and solace. His name tastes like freshly plucked grapes, I call him for keeps.💑

It’s interesting how we met, I laugh each time I remember the incident.😹 I hate crowds, they accelerate my anxiety and trigger so much in a short time. I was running away from people, taking long routes to stay away from them. My routes are deserted and I use that to my advantage, earphones on and I dance💃 like the cliché I am. He saw me, he laughed, I was shocked and I sprinted away dying in embarrassment.🙈

I did not even register his face when I ran past him all the way to my room. Breathless, embarrassed and blushing, I got into bed and laughed😸😂 till my sides hurt. How dumb can I get? I forgot the incident and life moved on but I avoided that route like a plague until circumstances drove me there and I’m so glad they did because that’s where my story began…😘

This time I kept my wild antics to myself and tried to be normal but my brain was twitching I had a new blog developing and I had to write it down. The ideas in my head drive me insane if I don’t pen them down in time.😁 I was busy typing; the path was deserted and chances of bumping into any one was low but I hit a solid brick wall and landed on my well-rounded bum. Someone was helping me up, ‘The path is right in front of you, keep walking straight I’m sure you won’t hit another wall’

Embarrassed, angry, flustered and feeling so many emotions at once😓, I was a mess. I was scrutinized thoroughly until I felt self-conscious, then he laughed and the memories of that dancing catastrophe came back. IT WAS HIM!!! Please earth swallow😩 me now. He apologized for his behavior but I was on the verge of tears😣, he offered to get me anything to ease the discomfort. I walked away and the stubborn humanoid followed me, I gave in so easily that I mentally face-palmed myself. Over hot chocolate we became casual friends, a series of meet ups followed and something changed along the way.😌

The conversations were enlightening, deep and made no sense. We had a canvas and it was vividly captured in an array of colors. We painted and doodled and wrote poems on it. We had zinged! There were places we got curious stares because we’d laugh so loud until I snorted. He brings out the best in me and I take him to the wilderness of my head👻. I never knew it would feel this good falling this hard.💞

I hope we last till we are old and toothless
Laughing at things we only understand
Holding hands as we watch the sun set
Breathing in the wet soil
Counting the stars till we fall asleep
Living the novel kind of love
Arguing and later falling back in love

It’s been a long time coming and finally I’ve met my match😊.

*************************************************************************************

To be honest that’s one of my fantasies, my greatest prayer and constant wish but it’s not being fulfilled any time soon. I’m not being a pessimist but in today’s society it’s a bit hard to find ‘the right one ‘.🙏

Relationships in the 21st century feel rushed but everyone has their choice drug and they revel in its ‘highness’. I envied couples especially those who had a mutual level of understanding and trust, basic and key things lacking in most relationships especially in my generation. I’ve never understood how easily people jump from one relationship to another without much effort. The idea of starting from scratch is quite tasking for me and I’d rather not risk meeting another Destroyer.🙆

I don’t have a guide for Dating 101 or Relationships Central but honestly, we are messed up, relationships are so casual and are based on sexual intimacy rather than love, faith, trust and friendship. The idea of being single is scary to some and they’d prefer hooking up with just about anyone to evade this single title. Then there are the singles’ club ruining relationships just because they can, what a shame! Not all apples are rotten, there is hope for this dying relationship.👌

Couples who are goals, building each other and being faithful.👏 The idea that the male species were not made to be monogamous is far-fetched and ticks my bombs off. The female species has evolved too, juggling men like they are the main attraction in a circus. I’m encouraged when there’s a couple sticking together in thee highs and lows, I’m reminded there’s hope.💛

If you found someone, keep them disagree to agree. Meet each other in the middle ,keep your promises and work out your mess together. Fight and build each other, respect and do all that is right for each other. There are so many broken people right now, quit adding more statics.

#thetalesofthetwistedempressreturns